State of the Family Address

I heard this on NPR yesterday evening, and I thought it was really cute & funny. 

Here is the transcript:

"Good evening, husband Phil; kids Maxine, Willie and dog Spot; cousin Steve, who's allergic to Spot; Madam Grandma, the man who lives with Grandma; distinguished neighbor kids, whose parents are letting you immerse your entire hands in my cheese dip.

Before I address the issues that confront us, I'd like to salute some heroes here tonight. Brother Joe, stand up. 

Joe is a programmer who's been out of work for almost a year. Through this hard time, he never gave up. Joe is planning to Photoshop all of us into Super Bowl XLV.

Apart from the loss of jobs, health care has been an issue in this great family of ours. People, why are there never any Band-Aids in the upstairs closet? I know we can and will do better in the future. 

You know, in the end, hard times only make us stronger. Phil, you were gone half the year traveling for work and the kids were sick with giardia. Did I let them sit idly and snack on yogurt? No. We pledged to stay competitive as a family. We practiced more flute, and 4-year-old Maxine played better than anyone at her preschool variety show.

 One issue that still needs tackling is our shared level of discourse. Children of this family, going forward, anyone who says a rude or disgusting word at the dinner table will be sent away without dessert.

Finally, let us keep in mind that we're bond as a family by a common history and name, except cousin Carla who inexplicably changed her name when she got married to Ermendorf. The rest of us will move on to work even harder against incivility.

I may sometimes fall short. But I know you will all step up and remember, I didn't spend all that money on tenderloin so you could spend the evening bickering, complaining or going into anaphylactic shock. 

God bless our family and God bless the neighbors. Good night."